To start of another project of "Study Harder, Not Smarter" -- And CONQUERING THE BOARDS!!!
Day 1 -- Take 1,000
What I've Learned In The Past Year.
Well, a year ago, I hadn't started my first job as an anesthesiologist attending yet. I remember feeling apprehensive about it... about being the boss... about being the go-to person... the last resort if the CRNA couldn't get an IV or an airway... about hurting a patient... about knowing who to trust... about knowing enough even if I wasn't board certified yet... and have been having trouble getting board certified.
Well, I finally got the paper results of this second attempt at passing Part I of boards. So it's true. I have to take it again. I didn't take it well... of course. But I took it better than I did in the past when I've failed. I did want to quit right there and then when I found out though. I was with my mom hanging out at their house when HB texted me to tell me the results were online. I was confident that I had passed. I was getting ready to start studying for oral boards. But when my mom checked.. and paused.. and looked at me sadly... I thought she was joking with me at first. But it was true. I took one glance... blurred vision... and I held my head and said aloud, "I don't think I can do this again." I didn't cry. Not just yet. I only did when I saw my dad. My mom had apparently told him, so he knew. When he came down to see me... no words. I knew by the sad look on his face that he knew the pain I was feeling. He hugged me... and I cried.
The positive outcome of this... I feel I have a better relationship with my dad, for one. But also... it gives me another chance to learn this information much better. And this whole experience has actually made me a stronger person... a better person.. I think. Things have always come so easily to me during my academic life. Granted that hasn't been the case during medical school. But I sought help... and in so doing... I'm becoming a better person overall... not just academically. Furthermore... I get to take this exam with my true friends from residency. At least have study partner friends... or at least the moral support. So all in all... lemonade out of lemons. I'll get through this.
I at least have a job. I also finally had the guts to tell Fred, our group's president. I teased him and said... well... Fred, you probably already know... but just to officially tell you... I've saved your group another couple hundred thousand dollars for another two years. I have to take the exam again. He looked a little sad for me. I said I've always had trouble taking written exams. His reply... you're not the first... and you won't be the last. There are plenty of intelligent people who never passed their boards. I understood what he said. I already knew of it too... but him saying it did make me feel better regardless.
So now... back to work... on to what I love. Because I realized that I do love my job. With reflection and with these current events... I've finally come to realize that. I am so lucky to have my job. And I will continue to work hard to become the best anesthesiologist that I can be. To become the best person that I can be. 10,000 hours baby!
As Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy said... when she was reflecting on whether to continue her career as a surgeon... "Would you love me if I became a plumber?"... Her doctor fiancee's response... "I would love you regardless... but would you love you if you were a plumber?"
I'm not sure I'd be happy being anything else but an anesthesiologist. I love my job. I see the importance of it. I see that I am talented enough.. and "smart enough".. to do it. And so here I go back into the trenches. Onward I go.
